I am broken.  Me and my life are shattered.  Laying in pieces all over the floor.

I have been here before, lying broken on the floor.  When I got sick, when I was diagnosed with Hashimotos at the end of 2014, I was here.  The difference between then and now is that then it was just me who was broken.  My life stayed fairly intact that time.  As a result it felt like less pieces to sort through, a less daunting task.

Back then in that broken place, searching for aid, is when I discovered the philosophies of wabi sabi and the never not broken goddess, Akhilandeshwari.

Wabi Sabi is the Japanese philosophy of finding the beauty in the imperfect, impermanent and incomplete.  I read that there is a tea ceremony based around this philosophy where one goes to a tea house and orders a cup of tea.  The cups are old, and cracked and used.  The point is to meditate on and appreciate the beauty of the cup knowing that this moment will never happen again.  Even if you get the same cup again it will not be the same.  It may have a new chip, or an existing crack may have cracked further.  There will be changes.  To me it is a philosophy on mindfulness, on being present in the moment and appreciating what is because it will never be this again.  It creates space for me to find beauty in my broken bits and struggles, they are part of what makes the whole of me who I am.

Akhilandeshwari, the never not broken goddess is amazing.  She shows the amazing potential of being in a broken state.  She embodies the knowledge that when everything is broken your life is in flux, and it is in this state that anything is possible.  From a broken state we are free to rebuild and design ourselves and our lives into whatever we want.  This state is powerful, it is the beginning of creation.

I find these two philosophies beautifully compatible.  Together they show the importance of embracing the power of brokenness in a mindful way.  They have got me through so much and with everything falling apart around me I find I am leaning on them heavily once again.

I picture my shattered state as a mirror shattered on the floor.  A large rectangular mirror dropped onto the concrete.  I picture a rectangle because it is typical, it is expected and fits in.  That is how I have been hiding the bits of me I was confused about, my neurodivergence, my asexuality, my non monogamy and my non binary bits, all masked and hiding in what is typical and expected.

The last time I broke I took my rectangular mirror and put it back together in a mostly rectangular shape.  Not as neat as the original, there were small gaps where pieces didn’t quite fit back, or where the pieces were too small to put back.  Some pieces were just lost and not able to be put back.  But my repaired mirror was still mostly rectangular, mostly fitting in and trying to present as typical.

This time I plan to be more creative, I plan to be more true to myself.  I will embrace the beauty and the power of my current state.  I will be present and mindful with myself as I recreate and design my repaired mirror.  This time I will not put my pieces back together in a rectangle.  My mirror will not be a standard shape, it will not be a named shape.  I will still have all the reflective bits shining back to the world but I will have holes where the pieces don’t line up because I have put them together in unexpected ways.  Holes where I choose not to line up the pieces of my mirror on purpose as I create and design what works for me, what makes me happy.  I will cherish these holes, my bits of unexpectedness.  I need to create these holes in my new mirror so I have space for the things I love.  I will fill these holes with love.  I will pick wildflowers to fill one, I will fill another with hugs from loved ones, another with the skies in the Northwest Territories.  I will reserve one to fill full to the brim with Arizona sunshine when I am lucky enough to receive a delivery there.

My new self, my new life will not be common or what is expected.  They might look strange to others but they will be me, they will be my design based on my own needs and happiness.