As I spend these weeks and months mostly alone in self reflection I am consuming copious amounts of literature on relationship skills, personal development and the experiences of others brave enough to put their life stories on paper.  One realization I have come to is that I have suffered a lot of mental abuse and gaslighting in my life.  These experiences have taught me a few things about the nature of this type of abuse, particularly four main lessons of importance.

Before I begin I want to be clear that I am talking about interpersonal abuse here, from one person to another.  I am not discussing larger scale structural and social abuses of oppression to minorities.  I believe that is a very different issue and not one I am quite well enough versed at yet.

The first, and maybe the most life changing thing I have learned from abuse is that abuse does not require intent.  This was a huge realization for me because I struggled to recognise the abuse I suffered because I haven’t made a habit of surrounding myself with malicious people.  Recognizing that intent to harm is not necessary for abuse to occur allows space for me to be open with myself about the harm I have suffered without demonizing the people around me.

The best way my mind has found to understand and internalize this concept is with an example of running with scissors.  Let’s say I pick up a pair of scissors and go merrily running around with them in my hand.  While on my journey I trip on my shoelace, causing me to fall and on the way down I collide with another human, burying my scissors in their belly.  The result of this incident is that there is a human who is now stabbed.  There is nothing that can change this, the action is committed, the damage done.  If I express that I didn’t mean to stab them, or that I had no intention of stabbing them when I picked up the scissors it does not change their condition. They are not any less stabbed because I didn’t mean to do it.  My behavior was careless and uninformed and my effect on them is not diminished by the presence or absence of intent.  

So too with abuse.  Abuse and harm can easily be committed especially in close, intimate and vulnerable connections.  It doesn’t matter if the person who hurt me meant to or not, I am still hurt, I have still suffered and the extent of that pain may still have created a traumatic event for me.  I think that recognising and accepting this has been the first step to healing myself.

The second thing I have learned is that I am responsible for healing my own abuse wounds and traumas.  I might not be to blame or at fault for my wounds but I am always responsible for my own healing.   

To return to my stabbing example, if I am the stabbed human in the situation I cannot give my stabbed belly to my stabber and expect them to heal it and return it to me when it is done.  I have to take the steps, deal with the consequences and do the work of healing.  I have to make sure I rest, that my bandages get changed, that I don’t rip stitches, that I eat well and support my body in it’s healing.  I can ask for help, and it is entirely appropriate for me to do so, but I have to understand that when I ask for things from others there is always a chance the answer will be no.  If my stabber decides not to support me in my healing process, refuses to help me cook or to change my bandages, I cannot make them.  

Again, so too with abuse.  I cannot expect another person to fix me when I have suffered a mental wound or abuse in a relationship.  People should take responsibility for their actions and behaviors but that doesn’t mean they do.  I can ask others to engage in relationship repair work with me but I cannot make them.  If the person who has hurt me is willing and able to do the support work needed for my healing I think that can be a really intimate and rewarding bonding experience but I cannot force others into it.  This part sucks, it is a hard and resentful truth and it is completely unfair.  I find it helpful to recognise and validate my feelings of resentment because my feelings are valid and it is acceptable to feel this way.  I remember that life is always unfair, but sometimes it is unfair in my favor, a concept that has helped me weather some more difficult times.  

In the absence of reparative work with the person who hurt me I am also free to engage in reparative work with myself.  I have been discovering that this actually creates an intimate and rewarding bonding experience with myself and that our relationships with ourselves are so often and so easily overlooked and forgotten but they are vital to our well being and sense of satisfaction and fulfillment.

Third, I have had to internalize the concept that just because I am being abused does not mean I am not also being abusive.  My example of running with scissors falls apart a little bit here.  I don’t think that, once stabbed, most people immediately jump up to return the stabbing.  Abuse does not require intent though, and hurting people hurt people.  When people are struggling and hurting they tend to lash out, especially if it is those closest to them who are causing the hurt.  I am no different.  Just because I am hurt it does not mean I am not also hurting another.  There is an extra struggle here too because close relationships tend to feel like safer spaces to let out negative emotions which are often judged inappropriate for public spaces.  This can create a more comfortable space to react and lash out, making it more likely to start an unhealthy cycle of triggering and abuse creating abuse.  I am responsible for my behavior in situations like this, just as I am responsible for my healing.

Lastly, the most important thing I have learned about and from abuse is that the only way I can really prevent it is by doing my own self work, discovering myself, my needs, my wants and my values.  Once I have figured out who I am then I can set appropriate and firm boundaries around how to keep myself safer and create and maintain intentional and informed connections with others.  I can manage what I take in from others and what kind of people I keep close.  Keeping people who are doing their own self work in the areas of emotional growth, relationship skills and personal development will limit my exposure to abusive situations and doing the work myself will limit the amount I abuse others.  It will also increase the likelihood that when something damaging happens in my relationships there will be a focus on mutual reparative work that can keep smaller things from transforming to larger abuses and trauma.  I know this work will not eliminate the chances of being abused, but I do think it is the only way to truly limit them.  While I am responsible for my own healing I am also responsible for doing the work to create safer environments for myself.

One last caveat about that last paragraph before I end this post though.  What I am talking about is not victim blaming.  There are still shitty people in this world who abuse, rape and hurt others out of a sense of entitlement.  This abuse is intentional.  These people suck and while I can keep myself safer with my intentions it doesn’t mean I will never meet such a person.  If I am ever unlucky enough to run into a truly abusive and sadistic human it is likely that no amount of self awareness will keep me from abuse.  I will still be responsible for my healing, but when people abuse with intent they should be held responsible for their actions.  Victim blaming is not the answer to dealing with shitty, intentionally abusive people.