Growing up I didn’t have a lot of crushes.  I just didn’t think about it, I didn’t care.  In adulthood I recognise and identify as asexual and aromantic which both explain my lack of interest in the childhood crush culture all my peers were experiencing and obsessed with. 

There was one character who really struck my fancy though.  As a child, if I could dream about spending my life with any one person, it would have been Data.  Yes Data, the android from Star Trek: The Next Generation.  Let me explain.

Data is an android who longs to be human and spends the series in the pursuit of his own humanness and humanity.  As an android he is incredibly intellectual and intelligent but he blunders through experiences when understanding emotions and relating to others is required.  Though he struggles, he longs for humanity so passionately he learns from every experience, gaining bits of humanity as the series progresses.  He develops a love and bond with a pet cat who he comically and uncharacteristically names Spot, he builds friendships and intimate connections with other crew members on the ship becoming an integral part of a large, chosen family system and learns an appreciation for music, acting and other art forms with the guidance and patient love from his mentor and captain, Jean-Luc Picard.  

In the character Data my child mind found relatability and, while I didn’t have the langage for it at the time, I also found representation.  As a child my internal world was chaotic; my childhood through to early adulthood was plagued with intense and overwhelming feelings of loneliness and alienation.  I watched other humans in real life, analyzed characters in movies and books, spoke and interacted with other humans all in a desperate attempt to understand how to be more human.  What I found, over and over again, was that I was not able to relate to people around me, that I was somehow inexplicably other.  I spent those formative years trying to figure out, but never quite succeeding, how to be a human.

I saw my own struggles and journey in Data’s.  I also saw that Data had somehow found humans who understood the journey he was on and expressed unconditional love and offered compassionate guidance when Data came up against something he couldn’t quite understand, even fully accepting him when true understanding was not achieved.  I longed for that love, for that understanding, for that connection, for someone who could join me on my journey of trying to understand how to be human and together we could support each other, learning and figuring out as we went.

In true Data likeness I have spent much of my life in the pursuit of my own humanness and humanity, always trying to better understand the things I did not understand.  Finally, in my mid 30s I found the label that explained my alienation, a place where my internal world finally became less chaotic, felt calm, and at home even.  I found neurodivergency and specifically autism.  While I am not sure I will ever get an official diagnosis for autism as I do not fit the typical demographic for diagnosis (I am an adult as well as female bodied) I strongly identify as autistic and that is enough to allow me comradery and support from that community.

I have thought a lot about this piece of my identity in relation to other characters I have seen.  As an overly intellectual person I have always wondered if I should feel more relatable to other intellectual characters, such as the vulcan Spock.  These characters never resonated with me because while I was always very intelligent and was fond of their intellect they sought to deny emotions, to limit parts of themselves, they feared parts of themselves.  I did not want that.  I wanted to become more human, to understand more fully what it meant to be human so I could be included, involved and loved.

I have recently rewatched all of Star Trek: The Next Generation and found my love for Data and his journey has not diminished in my adulthood, but has intensified.  I was able to recognise and more intimately connect with and appreciate many more subtle aspects of his struggles as well as his growth and achievements.  I was also able to recognise in myself a new appreciation for being able to find a character like this in my childhood.  I will continue my own journey in exploring my humanity, but rather than seeking to become less other I will embrace my otherness.  I am coming to realize, as Data did at the end of the series, that my otherness does not diminish my humanity, it is an integral aspect of it.

As a side note, while writing this piece I found this blog post.  I discovered it after completing my writing but it runs so parallel to my own thoughts and is such a beautiful and eloquent piece I wanted to share it here.  I feel that if one is seeking to better understand autism this is an insightful read.