i haven’t written anything in a while.  it’s been hard.  and by it i mean everything, life.  

have you ever received a piece of information that shook you to your core?  that broke the foundation of everything you thought you knew about your world?  that made you question yourself and your abilities?

i have.  very recently.  it created so much pain, chaos and turmoil within me and i have been trying to piece my life back together since that moment.

it is crazy the things i have been questioning.  i can hardly bring myself to trust myself with anything after such a deep betrayal from someone i thought i could count on deeply.  it is difficult for me to trust in my ability to know who to trust, to trust that i can safely choose the people i let in my life.  i take on so much of the responsibility for my current position that i have ended up frozen in place.  I have to go through all my interactions and relationships with my therapist to get a second opinion, to see if my judgements are reasonable.  i feel ok after these conversations until i remember that i chose my therapist.  have i made a bad choice in therapists?  are they giving me good advice on who i can trust?  it all comes back to questioning if i can trust myself. 

and what do i do next?  i had a plan, a family and a life that i was building.  what does that look like now?  do i still have family?  are there still people i can count on?  do i have things to look forward to?

i lay awake at night trying to sort through these thoughts and anxieties.  it is taking time.  

i am trying to lean into myself and listen.  A good friend has pointed out that all of my instincts over the last several months, the instincts that told me to flee quickly, the instincts that allowed me to see what was real behind the deception, have all been right.  i have tangible evidence that my body is giving me good cues and i am trying to listen.  

i am choosing to trust my therapist.  they are the first therapist i have talked to in a long time that hasn’t left me feeling alienated.  i have to start somewhere with trust and they have never made me feel unsafe.  they have, infact, created a safe space for me to really face and accept the pain and abuse i have been through, to move though it and find a safe space on the other side. 

i am reaching out, telling my story.  seeking the folks who will hold kindness for me.  testing my trust muscles out.  testing my instincts out.  each little step so far has been affirming that my instincts are true.

and i am realizing i still have a plan, i still have a family, i still have a life.  there are some changes, but many things are still the same.  my siblings and brother in law still want me, we will still buy land, build a farm.  i have new connections i have been slowly building through the pandemic and am able to fully invest in now, humans who are compatible with my value system.  i also have old connections with humans i enjoy but have allowed myself to loose focus on that i am able to recommit to.  

i am focusing on my career, and the nomadic lifestyle it provides.  i am looking forward to embracing solo poly, exploring non-traditional relationship systems and relationship anarchy more fully.  i  am figuring out what my gender/trans identity is when it is not tied up in presenting in a heavily mono and hetero normative way.

i  am exploring what it really means to be me, who i really am and what i really look like.  i  am connecting and reconnecting with people whose value systems line up with mine.  step by step, through having to rebuild myself from the inside out, i am becoming me and i am trying to hold onto that in the times where i am still filled with doubt and anxiety.