i missed you recently.  i missed you for the first time in months.  maybe even a year.  it is so hard to remember.  but it has been almost a year since I last slept in the same house as you.  so maybe a year. 

i had a rough day.  the worst day at work since i started my new career.  i ran my load into an overpass.  got wedged under it and had to have 2 tow trucks pull me out.  it took 4 hours.  it was awful.  it was terrifying.  it was stressful.  my pups were freaking out and i couldnt comfort them.  i had to deal with the situation i had got myself into.  I felt inadequate.

it was exhausting.

i missed you because i wished i had someone to call.  someone i could count on.  someone i could talk to when things were rough.  someone to console me.   i missed that easy comfort.  the easy comfort of knowing there is someone who will always answer and who loved me.  

and i hated you, a new, for taking that from me.  

i felt right back where i was 6 months ago.  just crying over the hurt you caused.  crying over the betrayal.  crying over the loss of the way i always thought i could count on you in the past.  someone i could call in a panic who would just be there.  but i dont have that anymore, that kind of person.

I felt heartbroken all over again.

it left me wondering, again, if i ever had that with you, if it was always just an illusion.  If it was something i just saw or over exaggerated because i so deeply desired it.

a friend reminded me that even bad partners can be great in a crisis.  maybe this is how our situation worked.  maybe you were always there for me in a crisis, a physical crisis.  but you couldnt be there for me in an emotionally intimate way, not the way i need.  not with any reciprocity.  and not with any consistency.

my friend also reminded me this is how grief works.  That we grieve our loss and the past through living through new reality and noticing the differences.

so i am sitting in my grief.  working thought it.  feeling it and healing it.  expecting i will feel it again and again over the next year.

maybe it will feel the way healing my body felt.  maybe i wont notice the grief dissipating, the way i didnt notice the pain and discomfort leaving my body.  im not sure we notice the absence of pain, only the presence.  maybe one day i will just wake up and realize i dont grieve you.  

maybe i will wonder how long its been since i did.