how does one go about changing one’s name?  it seems like such a large task.  logically i understand that it’s really just a simple matter, just start going by a new name.  but there is depth to it.  so many people to ask, to explain to.  i know i don’t owe them explanations, but they will still want them.  will i be able to resist offering one?  unlikely.

how does one deal with all the people in one’s life when considering a name change?  all the emotions they will bring, emotions that do not belong in this space, that have no bearing on this topic.  how does one kindly request they leave it all at the door?

how does one manage the inevitable pain of being denied their true self by others refusing the new name?  not understanding there are so many layers to this new name, and so much identity tied up in it.  how does one manage the potential offense others may take to the change?

how does one who struggles with transitions as i do manage this change which seems so small on paper but in reality could be a huge undertaking?  how do i remember the new name?  how do i remember to respond to it?

what does one do with all the rest of it?  the wordless parts?  the bits that are all feelings and concerns that cant be described eloquently?  the overwhelming feelings of concern, joy, excitement, fear, change, newness, rightness?.. feeling more like one’s self…

how does one know when to make a name change?  for me there seems to be a gut feeling that i am becoming new and a new name feels suiting, like i have reached a point where the thought of the new name brings more joy at expression than fear of harm.  i have seen it written just once, this new name.  i felt shock and joy… a small euphoria…

i am new, i am unfolding into myself after a life time of masking, a life time of confusion.  my life has been a journey to get here, or a series of journeys, some small and some large.  journeys.  it feel like it encompasses all of me, all of what i have been though, all of what i have done to heal and grow.  of how much i still have left to do.

i might be ready to take the leap..

journeys.